truth and lies of the red mouse


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finding redmouse
02.12.04 (4:37 pm)   [edit]
i've opened a new blog.
http://www.hide0and0seek.blogspot.com" title="http://www.hide0and0seek.blogspot.com" target="_blank"http://www.hide0and0seek.blog...
visit or dont.
Will, if you're reading this: Dont.


buhbye tblog.


~(_8
redmouse.
 
Max is wise.
02.08.04 (8:20 pm)   [edit]
I wont be blogging anymore either. nor will i be checking other people's blogs. not for a while anyway.
i think if i do make another blog, it will be in a place where no one knows so no one can read it. just a place for me.
letting people into my head seems to overwhelm others.

good bye blogworld.

-the red mouse.
 
who i am: a history of this mouse
02.08.04 (7:34 pm)   [edit]
You are curious. More curious than me and I find that interesting. You, and you, and you, and you, and you, care. Care. C-a-r-e. We all show it differently. Some of us arent sure how to show it. Some of us dont even know about the picnic and and just dont show up. Others bring food some are allergic to. Some bring too much of the same kind of food, and then never bring any thing else.
There are those, like me, who force feed people. I know someone else like me. We are locking horns and butting heads, drawing blood and letting tears. I think we're trying to stuff eachother and keep the food away at the same time. It's an odd, complicated dance, and our hands are just getting messy.
There is someone I know who waits forever until you are ready, feeding you bit by bit, not overstuffing you. Not really letting you know that you're being fed.
There is someone I know who doesnt care if you dont like the god damned food, you're going to eat it because you're starving and shut up with the whining already.

I am a complicated creature surrounded by complicate creatures who surround themselves with complicated creatures. There is nothing simple about who we are or how we are or why we are and it only makes things worse when lines are crossed and doors are made.

I am a door closer. I live in a room far from the world and close the door. I am someone who does not like visitors when I am under the weather. Some people do! Some people LOVE having others around, it helps them get better faster. Others just like watching the people get sick.
But not me, Reader. I close my doors, barr my windows and cuddle under the blanket. I do not respond well when people come knocking or if they try to tear the door from its hinges. When cornered I am dangerous. Do NOT put me in a corner.

I am someone who has always had very little for herself. One gets used to it. Modest living. Little money, little attention, little affection, little belongings, little luxury. This is not a cry for pity or sympathy, it is just the way it is.
Oddly, I am not one who embraces these things when I -do- get them. I get scared. If i've gone so long without one or the other, and now it is here, what's to say it wont go away and leave me with nothing again? There is no trust in my heart for anyone or anything. People always go away, it is a trend in my life. All the people I love and adore and worship disappear. So I have made it a habit NOT to become too attached to people or things. They go away anyway.
I hear you tell me that I am being silly and not everyone is going to hurt me. But if all i know is lonelyness, how am i supposed to addapt to passionate love? I Give love, I do not like getting it. It means someone cares back. I dont want that. I dont care about someone for them to love me back. I just do it. I am sure there are others who behave as I do, I just dont want anything from them. I'm fine by myself, shedding light and keeping others warm.

A Ball of fire out in space, reaching with arms of heat, content to remain alone.
I've made this analogy before, but in reference to a certain Moon. The sun shines by itself. It is self combusting. Pheonix. You can call me Firebird.

I am guarded. I am fearful and I am angry. Will asks me why I am so angry. I am angry, Will, because I dont understand other people and their intentions. It frustrates me when people show they care or when they show that they dont care. Like I said, I'm a complicated creature.
I am easy to please, but hard to satisfy. I want more from people and I want less. I want them to love the way I love, but not love me.

Do not tell me what is good for me, I know what you will say. I am bright enough to know what -I- need, regardless of what others around me say. I an stubborn and full of fire, so do not tell me one thing when I have already said something else. What you need me to do will not always be what I need ME to do.
It is not something I do often, in fact it is very rare, but when I think about myself, and act for myself, I dont think about others around me and what my actions will do to them. I think about them all the time, I am a wonderful server in that respect. Very few people, if any, see that I give more than I take and when I am running on short supply, I have to separate myself from others until I am able to give more.
I dont love myself. I dont hate myself anymore, but I deffinitely dont love myself.
You dont have to understand that, but it goes back to conditioning. How I was raised, how I was treated and what molded my brain to think negatively.

I am depressed right now. This is true. I am depressed for so many reasons, most of them leading back to inadiquacy in areas of my life that I have never been boosted until recently. Others wont be boosted for a very long time, if at all.
I can not let myself love anyone right now. My paranoia is up and my anxiety is soaring. I have to deal with this BY MY SELF. If I want help, I'll ask for it. Do not give it to me otherwise, you will only push me away further.

And now I have to jump in the shower.
 
wishing and wishing and wishing
02.07.04 (1:25 pm)   [edit]
i had something to say.
i've lost it to a shock of tears now sliding down my cheeks in salty rivulettes.
i dont want this.
when does it stop?
 
perhaps the last entry.
02.07.04 (9:53 am)   [edit]
music: flake plastic trees - radio head
mood: chaotic

i dont want anything. from you or from anyone else. dave will tell you that. i wont take anything anything from you.
i dont know if i even want to be daves friend anymore. it's too hard to keep a relationship where there arent any laws. where the gloves are off and it's all or nothing.
i want nothing. i dont want to give anymore, and i'm much happier not recieving.
i thought i trusted dave, but i dont. i still worry about him hurting me. i worry alot. i think he's going to do things that are going to wound me like the rest did. i cant keep feeling choked. or trapped. it's killing me bit by bit. staying up at night, thinking about ways he or martyna are going to backstab me.
what the fuck is wrong with me?
i'm a good person.
i'm just fucked up.

i need breathing space.
 
making comments.
02.06.04 (10:15 pm)   [edit]
IS ONLY MAKING IT WORSE.

she's gone now. she wont be back here again.
obviously this isnt a place i can let it out.
nowhere i suppose is a better place.
that barren wasteland.
yes, it will be taken there.
you dont understand that is only triggering it.

you dont know how close i am...
how close i was last time...

boom.
 
martyna
02.06.04 (7:06 pm)   [edit]
music: street spirit (fade out) - radiohead
mood: thankful

she understands. truely. how does she understand? i dont get it. nothing i say to her is taken out of context, taken poorly. i am not comparing people to her, i am just amazed at her ability to understand me so well.
she doesnt push, she doesnt pull. she waits. she asks nothing from me and loves me all the same. she knows where to go, how to get there. she gets it.
no one else gets it.
i love that girl, that silly martyna.
she knows when it's time to make me laugh, or when it's time to sit down and let me talk until my throat is hoarse and my eyes are bloodshot. she loves me. i dont know why, but i dont want to question something this good. she gets it. she just gets it.
we are so different, like aliens. we have different family dynamics, different aproaches to life, living, death. but there is something important that keeps us bonded, no matter how far i run or how hot her fire burns. i dont know -how- to repel her, not that i want to, but still. i dont know what i would have to do to make her go away. i wouldnt do what the others do, so maybe this is why we are such good friends. because i'm not like the others. neither is she.
i guess it makes sense then.
she has the best smile. i cant help but want to squeeze her when she smiles her big happy smile. it's like theres a secret only we have. it's a knowing smile. special. she's so special.
one day i'm gonna buy her things. and make her things. one day when i have money and time. she's going to be rewarded for being who she is. i dont think anyone realises how special she is. how far from the herd she sits. i'm glad i know.
one day i will give it all back to her.

thank you marty.

~(_8
 
good, be mad.
02.06.04 (8:57 am)   [edit]
be angry and sulky and pissed off. go for it. i so dont care right now. it's all so minor compared to the monsters under my bed and the beasts in my head.
i'm NOT ASKING YOU TO UNDERSTAND. I WOULD NEVER ASK YOU OR ANYONE TO UNDERSTAND.
i'm keeping myself away until i am better. i serve everyone else all the fucking time, i'm allowed to be selfish for one fucking shit ass day.
yeah, it's too bad that today was the day that something inside of me said 'no'. i'm sorry for that, from the bottom of my bleeding heart, i am.
you get a certain way when you are upset.
i get a certain way when i am upset.
instead of accepting a hug or a kiss or a night in arms, i hide away to be by myself where i am not a bother, not a nuissance.
this is how i do things. you dont have to like it.
but if it bothers you that fucking much, leave me the hell alone. i dont want another person who just wants to bitch about the way i do things or dont do things.
this is me.

 
decision.
02.06.04 (4:59 am)   [edit]
not going to school.
i cant go there like this.
people will think i'm dead or dying or dying -again-. which is more the case.

i'm going back to bed.
posse members, look down to the next post if you havent checked your email yet.

~(_8
 
you can hate me
02.06.04 (4:32 am)   [edit]
this is to posse, for those who havent checked their email.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
i cant come tonight. not just because i'm not feeling
well.
i dont have the money for bowling, or any way of
getting home afterwards since i have no more money or
tickets.
i'm not going to go into detail as to why, dave and
alison know, thats enough for me.

i cant check email at school, so this is not something
you can persuade me to do with loving letters or well chosen words. I Dont Have The Money.
i'm so tired and angry and depressed. going out will only make me more of a bitch.

i'm sorry.
i love.
chloe.

happy birthday you two, have a great fucking time.
i mean that with all my love.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~


i dont even want to go to school. i would be staying home today if i wasnt trying to make a good impression on my teachers.
my brain is collapsing in on itself.
i'm not tired because i was on the phone last night. i only talked to t-star for 15 minutes. thats not terrible. it could have been worse. i'm tired because i'm upset. being upset drains me of everything.
i didnt need to go into that explanation, but dave would have said something motherly and i would have had to drop kick him.
with love.

gonna go make lunch for school.
 
being honest
02.05.04 (8:46 pm)   [edit]
there's a party tomorrow to celebrate two special people and their days of birth.
i dont want to go. i'm feeling disgustingly anti-social and i dont want to have to smile and laugh because crying and screaming isnt acceptable at a bowling ally. if anywhere.

i love ali, and i'm growing to love andre, but i dont want to stink up their party with my bad mood.

i think i'd rather be sleeping.

~(_8
 
I've drawn a line.
02.05.04 (4:29 pm)   [edit]
it is thick. attached to the line is a wall. it is tall and sturdy. reaching into the sky, holding me in the middle, protected. i am safe here, where you can not touch me. i have made no doors and no windows, all i see is sky. and the circle of those trying to get in.

the psychic-vampires.
the special friends.
the troubled lovers.
the grey faces who pass by. never even seeing the wall or the line.

you will not touch me when i am in here, when my wall is up. only i may take it down. when i want it down. if i want it down.
you may not ask to come in. the answer is always no. i will invite you.

you may take advantage of the love, the care, the gentle night kisses.
you may not refuse me the same love, care, quiet night murmurs.

why is the wall so big? you ask me, pressing your palms against this see through barrier, face twisted into a curious mask.
because the pain is less when the people are few. i reply, shuffling my feet and avoiding your eyes.
you frown.
i smile meekly and shrug.
i do not ask you to understand. just accept.
you shake your head and walk from me. from my reach. now you will never have my love.

then you wonder why the wall grows higher. the line thicker.
you wonder why i turn my back.
you wonder why i bite my lip and lower my brow.
you tell the others.
she wont let you in. dont bother.
some of them laugh. they know how to get in. they laugh the sad laugh. the ones with keys shake their head, knowing that the ones without will never feel the love that is flowing over the wall, past the line.

do not question why.
i wont tell you.
do not ask me how.
i wont tell you.
do not beg to me.
i will refuse you.

finding the key is easy, yet only two people hold the unlocker.
it's all in the trying.

~(_8
 
The hunger.
02.05.04 (11:40 am)   [edit]
It is wild. Consuming. It gnaws at me. Breaks little pieces from me and devours them in a slow, sensual mastication. Each chew bringing new desires, new juices, new ideas. It crunches, slurps, sucks the blood. The life. The moment.
Crazed and blinded, knowing nothing else but this aching hunger that wll not be satisfied by me. Can not be satisfied by me. It will search too hard, too violently, leaving my flesh bruised and marred. I will no longer be a delicious repast. It will come for you, after leaving my body in the corner to decay.
It will feast on you, delighting in the new flavours you bring to its mouth. Dragging its rough tongue over your shape, probing your soul for more than you have.
It will anger. It will grow hot and furious.

You will be left alone when it is bored with you. Alone in the dark.
Cliche.
 
They told me it was just ketchup.
02.05.04 (4:35 am)   [edit]
That dark red runny stuff. Just ketchup they said. The girl was crying.
 
Strike me down.
02.04.04 (6:21 pm)   [edit]
I'm already on the ground.
Face down in the mud.
Why are you kicking it ON me?

There was a song. It was green. It was sweet and it was gentle. It stroked my skin and kissed my wounds. Bottled my tears for another day.
But that day came.
It always comes.
I mean, who am i kidding?

The bottles on the shelf are quivering, geting ready to jump. They will dive for the ground, shattering their crystal casings and sending my tears (sweat, blood) to the hard, unforgiving concrete. Grey slab of hate.

I think he's enjoying this. Somwhere.

Evil as Chaos sat on the bus today, muttering in tongues of bitterest foul. Spewing forth acid, moths and bones. Filling the back of the bus with the scent of open graves left to rot in the mid day sun. More laughter. The sound of a thousand flies buzzing. The sound of a thousand women screaming. The sound of static silence.
Static silence.
Crazy.
Wild.
Painful to the ear.
High pitched and too low, drumming into your heart and piercing your eardrums. Like shreiking Harpies and wailing Ogres. The Bean Sidhe, her decapitated head wailing.
The Four ravens.
They are always laughing, those Ravens.
They always know.
Harbingers.
I fucking hate Harbingers.

There is a crack in the hourglass and i think the sand is falling through.
 
break down.
02.04.04 (2:16 pm)   [edit]
dont read this, any of you.

i'm tired.
a small whisper in my head is reminding me that the red light is flashing.
i cant back up.
warning warning.
something just died beneath me.
it was crushed by the weight of my head.
heavy.
tired.
the silence of the scream isnt long enough.
it wont keep me up at night.
it will come again, later.
tomorrow?
reminders only make me forget.
something about a banana peel.
he laughed.
there was a puddle of blood and he laughed.
he touched it with his long finger.
he licked it with his pink tongue.
he laughed.
his eyes.
dark pools of nothing.
abyss.
the space between stars.
the space between breath.
holding.
waiting?
gone.
it was my blood.
pooled into a shining lake.
they didnt cry last time.
they wont this time.
gush.
gush.
i think there might be more to this.
who knows.

~(_8
 
I cant do this again.
02.04.04 (4:22 am)   [edit]
Going to sleep at 1:30 to wake up at 6:30? No. Not again.
10:30 bed time, from now on. or 11. But NOT 1:30. Ever.
Damn it.

The sky was broken this morning. Cracks of gold shimmering like lightning bolts through out the blue-grey mass of doom. Clouds. Big sleepy clouds, in a hurry to get somewhere, but they dont know why.
The iron sky is now fading into a yawn of golds and blues.

I'm fucking tired.
I'm fucking depressed.

This mouse has to leave her house...and education must be learned. got. had. found?

my eyelids are droopy.

~(_8
 
Level 7
02.03.04 (12:42 pm)   [edit]
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to
the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
LevelScore
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)High
Level 2 (Lustful)High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)High
Level 7 (Violent)Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)Low

Take the Dante's Divine Comedy Inferno Test

Dont I feel Divine.
 
A quiet murmur in the corner
02.03.04 (12:24 pm)   [edit]
Music: Naveed (live) - OLP
Mood: :(

I havent heard from Josh in months. I'm worried. His email address isnt working. Small towns...
I have to remember to shave. This is just starting to gross me out.
I miss hanging out with Cbear. I miss alot of things about Cbear. Mostly his laugh. And his smile.
It's too bad that today is so dreary. I'm such an emotional fuck around this time of year. Low clouds...
Valentine's Day is looming ever nearer, reminding me of the two feet of personal space not being filled by someone personal.
Little things are triggering memories of Angel today. Thats not cool with me. Not cool at all, my friends. Always the little things, eh?
I cant get Launch to work, so I'm using Netscape Navigator instead of IE. I can check my hotmail - which i've stopped doing because anyone who really needs me will email my yahoo account. I still want my music.
I've begun the shrinking process. My stomach bag is taking a beating. No more eating between meals, silly grumbly monster. No more FULL. Only satisfied.
I'm tired again.
I wish Max would update more often. A blog a day, why would I want more? Because I cant get enough of reading his entries. I think this means I have to delve into the archives.
He's Oysterboy, for those of you who want to read his entries. On the left bar, the link...oysterboy...
I need to see a chiropractor. My body is crying.

SSsssssssssnckhhhhh.....
Pop. Fizz. Hiss.
blugblugblug...gluuunk.
tsssssssss.

Sounds of a popcan being opened and then poured.
I dont know what encouraged that.
....i gotta go lay down.

~(_8
 
I want to talk.
02.03.04 (10:10 am)   [edit]
I want to talk about sex and love and fucking.
I want to talk about flying and dancing and laughing.
I want to talk about passion and blood and lust.
I want to talk about the silence, the noise, the static.
I want to talk about hate and death and tears.
I want to talk about magic and nature and life.
I want to talk about people, places, things.

I really just want to hear the sound of my own voice.
Harumph.

~(_8
 
This Red Mouse
02.02.04 (4:13 pm)   [edit]
I AM: breathing
I WANT: Many things...many many things.
I HAVE: curly hair...?
I WISH: For an UNBROKEN computer.
I HATE: people who are mean. STOP IT.
I MISS: being ignorant.
I FEAR: failure and myself.
I HEAR: the click of my keyboard as my fingers dance over the buttons.
I SEARCH: the sky.
I WONDER: why.
I REGRET: certain relationships that I have taken part in. Of? whatever.
I ALWAYS: ask Dave questions he’s not sure how to answer.
I AM NOT: Jesus.
I DANCE: ALL THE FREAKING TIME.
I SING: loud and proud. And apparently well.
I CRY: because I am weak.
I WRITE: in my blog and for pleasure.
I WIN: people’s trust very easily.
I LOSE: patience -very- quickly.
I CONFUSE: ? No. No I don’t confuse...unless I’m talking to Dave.
I NEED: some lovin.
I SHOULD: work out more often.

The weirdest person you know: Martyna, Dave and Myself.
The Loudest Person you Know: Bean, maybe? But that’s just when she’s being feisty.
The Sexiest Person you Know: Marty.
The Cutest Person you Know: Marty.
Your closest friend: Marty and Dave.
The People that Know the Most about you: Uh...Dave and Marty, who else?
Your most overused phrase on IM: (_)_)
The last image/thought you go to sleep with: Angel (grr)
Inside joke: Picnic

SIGN: Leo. Prow.
NATURAL HAIR COLOUR: Brown
CURRENT HAIR COLOUR: Brown
EYE COLOUR: Brown, but if you look closely (in the sunlight) I have specks of green. (ERIKA IS COOL)
BIRTHPLACE: T-dot, homeslice.

Name 5 bands you listen to:
(these aren't in order of preference...just random)
1. COLDPLAY
2. Muse
3. Radiohead
4. AFI
5. Brand New

Name 7 things you hate:
1. Mean people
2. When people abuse people
3. Feeling hate
4. Over-population
5. Poorly written novels
6. Broken computers
7. Bad music

Would you....
[For some reason, this section is missing a few numbers.]
1. Eat a bug? Why?! Why would I do this?!
2. Bungee jump? No.
3. Hang glide? Maybe.
4. Kill someone? If I have to.
6. Kiss someone of the same sex? Send the ladies in...
7. Have sex with someone of the same sex? ~grins~ do I need to answer this?
8. Parachute from a plane? No, not my idea of fun.
9. Walk on hot coals? yes, after hours of meditation and preparation.
10. Go out with someone for their looks? no, I’m deeper than that.
12. Be a vegetarian? yupyup
13. Wear plaid with stripes? only if i were drunk.
14. IM a stranger: sure, why not? how the hell else you gonna make friends?
15. Sing karioke? No.
16. Get drunk off your ass? No. (then i guess 13 is no)
17. Shoplift? Never.
18. Run a red light? Walk, don’t run.
19. Star in a porn video? ...I don’t even know...
20. Dye your hair blue? No. Red, yes.
21. Be on Survivor? Yes and I’d win.
22. Wear makeup in public? Gross.
23. NOT wear makeup in public? Ok, what?
24. Cheat on a test? Not soon.
25. Make someone cry? yes.
26. Call your math teacher a motherfucker? No, she’s a nice lady, it’s not her fault I cant add.
27. Kick a baby? Right in the teeth.
28. Date someone more than ten years older than you? I almost did, so yes.
29. Cuss out a priest? What purpose would that serve?
30. Take a job as a janitor? No.
32. Stay up all through the night? Making love.
33. Drink straight espresso? Nah.
 
Adventures at City
02.02.04 (3:39 pm)   [edit]
Tom was speaking. I was only half listening. He said something about information that "beared repeating".
So Meg and Jack White came in, banging away on their instruments, finishing Tom's words with a killer re-vamping of Fell In Love With A Girl.
The room was silent.
My eyes were glazing over.
A piano. Painted pink or green. I cant remember. One of those pukish pastel shades. Maybe orange?
I got up and started playing. Just tinkling at first, seeing if the old creature was still in tune. It produced an old tinny sound when I reached the higher keys, but it did the job.
So I played. Soft and gentle, loving the keys. They were yellowed and chipped, like the teeth of a homeless man. Sad to see something of such beauty look so abused, worn, sick.
Someone called my name, a harsh whisper in the silence of the room.
A face floated to me. Lorna. I smiled and waved a small wave.
My stomach was loudly reminding me that it had finished digesting breakfast and was ready for something heavier.
So I left.
I went home.
My house smells like really weak weed.
I eat. I mean I ate.
PB and J samich, and a yogurt. Yoghurt? Yog-hurt. That looks terribly funny.

ow?
 
She stood tall...
02.02.04 (5:00 am)   [edit]
Gathering her thoughts in the kitchen, a cup of tea in one hand, jam on toast in the other. She munched away silently as the noise of others getting ready for the day tried to break her inner stillness.

And then she spilled -hot- tea on her hand.

Now her hand hurts.
Alot.
Like burning.
This isnt cool guys.

And the red mouse disappeared, to join the masses in the morning rush. Her destination?

SCHOOL...

~violin swells, cello and drums reach a crescendo as she steps from the door, shoving her earmuffs on her head, a sharp glint in her brown eyes~
 
He wont read this.
01.30.04 (11:52 am)   [edit]
And you dont have to, either. But I need to get this out of my system (again).


The only thing I can think to do is write letters.
Letters about my anger. Letters about my sadness.
Letters about my grief, letters about hurt and silence.
I dont know how you are doing. What you are doing. Who you are doing things with.
I dont know how to make you disappear from my memory.
I dont know how not to love you. I know how to hate you.
I know how to hate you: with the same consuming fire that I use to love you.
You dont know what this is doing to me and it only makes me angrier that you dont care.
You owe me so much. More than this, you owe me more than this. You owe me your heart. I thought it was a trade, I give you mine, you give me yours.
I was wrong.
You hurt me. Me. I was the last person who would have cause you pain. You used me.
No one uses me.
Fuck you.
You made me hurt. You made me cry. You killed something inside me that can not be brought back to life.
Yes, maybe I'm being dramatic. Yes, maybe I'm making a big deal.
But you were a big deal to me. The biggest of deals.
I breathed for you.
I wanted the sigh in your chest, the blink of your eyes, the crease between your brows.
I wanted it all.
You denied me what I wanted. What I needed.
I gave you everything of me. All of it. Every little bit.
You let me starve. You -watched- me starve, knowing that a little love would satisfy my hunger, quench my thirst.
Why did you do this to me?
I dont understand. That is what bothers me the most. It just doesnt make sense.

You knew what your actions would do to me. But you did them anyway. Why did you have to be so mean about it? I was never mean to you. Not once. Well, maybe once, but only because you were being mean to me.

I dont want to love you any more.
If I dont love you, I have to hate you. I dont want to have to hate you. But you've given me every reason under the sun to hate you.
They sit in my heart, Love and Hate. They sit across from each other. They are silent and still for days and weeks. Then one punches the other in the face and I am screaming for them to stop. They fight, kicking and beating each other, trying to win. But they are of the same strength. They draw on me to keep fighting and it makes me so tired and numb when they are fatigued.

So tell me. Tell me you hate me. Tell me you're over me, done with me, finished for ever. Dont leave me hanging like this.

Give me closure, you owe me that.

~(_8
 
When the Red Mouse is angry
01.29.04 (6:39 pm)   [edit]
Music: My own loud cursing
Mood: Enraged.

What the FUCK is up with people who use the word fag casually, as though the term is not offensive. My question for those of you out there who use this as commonly as you use the word 'the':

Are you fucking stupid?

Do you not realise that this term has been used to PUT DOWN a group of people? Why dont people see it being as offensive as calling a black person nigger? Or a woman whore?
I am half black AND a woman AND bisexual. This is one person you DO NOT want to upset. Use your fucking head.
I dont go around calling you goat-fucker casually, do I? I can start, if you really want...followed closely by a very swift punch in the face and a nice kick the knee caps.
I mean if thats what you -really- want.

Would it be acceptable for me to use Blue Eyes (since I dont have them) as something negative?
"Man that is so blue-eyed"
"EW WHY ARE YOU BEING SUCH A BLUE-EYE!?"
"That guy just stepped on my new shoes, stupid blue-eye"

THIS is how stupid it sounds when you go around calling things and people gay, or fag.
Incase you hadn't noticed (but clearly you had not) INANIMATE OBJECTS HAVE NO SEXUAL ORIENTATION. You know, what with not having any genitals or brain.

If you dont agree with something, fine, you are completely entitled to that. But dont be a social maggot. If your vocabulary is so small that you cant use the word bad, or gross, or even moron to describe something you do not like, THEN BUY A DICTIONARY AND A THESAURUS. Spend an afternoon writing down words that mean bad and gross and stupid or silly...because if you said 'why are you being such a nigger' you would be yelled and screamed at until your ears bled.
I dont mind being this person, the yelling and screaming one.
I'm just more likely to break bones instead.

And for the record, I am not a womens right's activist, a queer activist, or a race activist. I just dont put up with people who are close minded. Or stupid. I dont put up with stupidity.

Please, dont piss me off.
I dont -like- being angry.

Dont give me that shit about gay meaning happy and fag meaning stick. YOU KNOW what kind of society we live in, and it is deffinitely NOT 18th century England, when those words really -would- have been used to describe gleeful and wood stick.
Not a happy mouse right now.
Oh no.
Not happy at all.

_< GRR!!!!>
~(_8
 
Who is this Red Mouse?
She is a quiet creature. She is a mild observer, an agressive lover and a passionate friend. She is like you. She is strong and weak. She is long and short. Wide and slim. Deep. Maybe a little shallow. She likes to laugh. She hates to cry. She is wild and tame and bright and dark, everything in between.
To provoke the Mouse is to awaken the Dragon. Shhh...let the creature sleep.

I am a Leo. (Also known as "Lion") My Horroscope starts like this:
" From the early age, Leos are inclined towards drunkennes and extortion. When it comes to anything else, they show a remarkable degree of laziness. As a child, a Leo will typically demand a lot of money from parents, then from friends and even casual aquaintances. " (Read more | Find yours)

I think I was born in the wrong month